Been awhile since I last blogged. I’ve been MIA in the blogging world, twitter world and the real world. Last month, I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have a Laparotomy. Last month was a blur. Everything happened so fast. I found out I was pregnant, it was ectopic, had a Laparotomy, and now in the process of healing (physical, emotional and spiritual).
There are 5 stages when dealing with loss but I seem to be stuck in the anger stage. I can’t seem to move on from the fact that a cruel joke was played on me. Why give me something if you’re just going to take it away from me? When we learned we were pregnant, for some reason everything was so peachy. We were even confident it was going to be a baby boy. We were already calling him shoti (baby brother in chinese). Even Baby Bear was in on the secret and she would constantly kiss my tummy and talk to shoti.
My little tomato was 5.5 weeks when we lost him. Since it was still so early into the pregnancy, I know he wasn’t a real baby yet for us to be so emotional about what happened. But for me, as soon as it’s a confirmed pregnancy, you start imagining life with your new baby.
I honestly still don’t understand what happened. I am ashamed to admit that I was angry with God the whole time. I felt it was unfair how I would always have a life-threatening emergency during my pregnancies. During my first one, I was on bed rest for 4 months and hospitalized twice. I thought everything was going well with my 2nd time since I didn’t have any bleeding or pain. In hindsight, I would’ve gladly taken the pain in exchange for my baby to be alive.
The doctors are telling me I can try at once within a few months and it is supposedly easier to get pregnant this time. I don’t think I’m ready though for another round of roller coaster emotions. I don’t know how long I’ll be in this stage. I hope I can heal soon. They say that God has a plan and there’s a promise of something better. For now, I don’t know what could be better than having my baby boy… but I would like to still believe that God has a plan for why things happened.
Dear God, I am hanging on to my faith in you that you are taking care of my little tomato. I miss him so badly everyday. I cry for the pain and the loss. I am still confused but I hope you can help me understand, let go and move on. As selfish as it sounds, I am holding on to Your promise that there is a rainbow after this rain.
I leave you with this song called “Hang on Little Tomato”. It’s my comfort song for what happened. It’s melancholic yet hopeful at the same time… perfect for the mood and what I am going through as I wait for my sunny someday to come soon.
(Instrumental intro is a bit long so just fast forward to 1:24 if you wish to hear the lyric part at once)
Why does this rain pour down
I’m gonna drown
In a sea
Of deep confusion
Whenever you are sad and blue
And you’re feelin’ all alone and left behind
Just take a look inside and you will find
Hang on, things will be all right
Even when it’s dark
And not a bit of sparkling
Sing-song sunshine from above
Spreading rays of sunny love
Stay on, soon you’ll be divine
If you start to cry, look up to the sky
Something’s coming up ahead
To turn your tears to dew insteadAnd so I hold on to his advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you