Hello and Goodbye, Little Tomato

Been awhile since I last blogged. I’ve been MIA in the blogging world, twitter world and the real world. Last month, I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have a Laparotomy. Last month was a blur. Everything happened so fast. I found out I was pregnant, it was ectopic, had a Laparotomy, and now in the process of healing (physical, emotional and spiritual).

There are 5 stages when dealing with loss but I seem to be stuck in the anger stage. I can’t seem to move on from the fact that a cruel joke was played on me. Why give me something if you’re just going to take it away from me? When we learned we were pregnant, for some reason everything was so peachy. We were even confident it was going to be a baby boy. We were already calling him shoti (baby brother in chinese). Even Baby Bear was in on the secret and she would constantly kiss my tummy and talk to shoti.

My little tomato was 5.5 weeks when we lost him. Since it was still so early into the pregnancy, I know he wasn’t a real baby yet for us to be so emotional about what happened. But for me, as soon as it’s a confirmed pregnancy, you start imagining life with your new baby.

I honestly still don’t understand what happened. I am ashamed to admit that I was angry with God the whole time. I felt it was unfair how I would always have a life-threatening emergency during my pregnancies. During my first one, I was on bed rest for 4 months and hospitalized twice. I thought everything was going well with my 2nd time since I didn’t have any bleeding or pain. In hindsight, I would’ve gladly taken the pain in exchange for my baby to be alive.

The doctors are telling me I can try at once within a few months and it is supposedly easier to get pregnant this time. I don’t think I’m ready though for another round of roller coaster emotions. I don’t know how long I’ll be in this stage. I hope I can heal soon. They say that God has a plan and there’s a promise of something better. For now, I don’t know what could be better than having my baby boy… but I would like to still believe that God has a plan for why things happened.

Dear God, I am hanging on to my faith in you that you are taking care of my little tomato. I miss him so badly everyday. I cry for the pain and the loss. I am still confused but I hope you can help me understand, let go and move on. As selfish as it sounds, I am holding on to Your promise that there is a rainbow after this rain.

I leave you with this song called “Hang on Little Tomato”. It’s my comfort song for what happened. It’s melancholic yet hopeful at the same time… perfect for the mood and what I am going through as I wait for my sunny someday to come soon.

(Instrumental intro is a bit long so just fast forward to 1:24 if you wish to hear the lyric part at once) 🙂

The sun has left and forgotten me
It’s dark, I cannot see
Why does this rain pour down
I’m gonna drown
In a sea
Of deep confusion
Somebody told me, I don’t know who
Whenever you are sad and blue
And you’re feelin’ all alone and left behind
Just take a look inside and you will find
You gotta hold on, hold on through the night
Hang on, things will be all right
Even when it’s dark
And not a bit of sparkling
Sing-song sunshine from above
Spreading rays of sunny love
Just hang on, hang on to the vine
Stay on, soon you’ll be divine
If you start to cry, look up to the sky
Something’s coming up ahead
To turn your tears to dew insteadAnd so I hold on to his advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you

My Second Alterego: StartUp Mom

I gave birth 10 months ago to a baby girl. To prepare for that momentous event, I prepared by reading the bible of all pregnant mommas, What to Expect While You’re Expecting!.  If that weren’t enough, I even downloaded apps for that and had an overload of google searches ranging from pregnancy, baby names, nursery rooms, etc. I was a research nazi.  With all the preparation in the world though, I was still taken by surprise when the actual day came.  We were setting up the nursery during my 37th week when we had to go to the hospital because the baby wasn’t moving. With no luggage packed, no baby stuff, not even a piece of overnight clothing, we gave birth that day via CS. Talk about a dramatic entrance to the world! She truly is my daughter!

Fast forward to 10 months, I am a struggling momma. I sometimes feel inadequate when I can’t make my baby go to sleep… when she doesn’t seem to want me and would rather have the nanny feed her. I am jealous of other moms who have happy babies who make cute googoogaga sounds. I envy mommies who have babies who quietly sit on their strollers or car seats. I feel guilty when the baby is crying her heart out and I just want to tune her out. I wonder how other moms do it… and still look so fab at the same time! I wonder what I did wrong along the way or why I have such a fussy baby. She is one feisty girl… she truly is my daughter!

I have heard the same complaints from my mom about me.  I was also such a hard-to-manage baby, always inconsolable.  I was never the “cute one” or the baby that makes you want to go “aww…”. But look how I turned out, right mum? 😉 Every day is a learning experience for me with my baby. There are days when I just want to crawl under the sheets and take a break. It’s really tiring to take care of a fussy young one but we have to make it work. I am one determined momma… I truly am my mothers’ daughter!

What have I learned these past 10 months?

–          In doubt, ask Google! We’re lucky to have the internet!

–          In doubt, ask your mommy friends! Been there, done that – experience is still the best teacher!

–          In doubt, ask your mom! They say you never truly appreciate your mom until you have kids of your own. 

–          Lastly, that you are not a SuperMom – not at the start, that is. We need help and we should never hesitate to ask for it…   especially from your husband.  It will actually surprise you how strong he can be for the both of you. 

My journey to Mommyhood is just unfolding. Each kid has their own personality.  I’d like to believe that I can be a good and patient mom… be responsible enough to help mold her to being the best person that she can be. As parents, we all want what’s best for our kids, we do the best we can — or we die trying! My baby is uber fussy, but I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything.  I wouldn’t want to trade my baby for a cute giggly one, because she is mine and she is ME! They say, we have until the age of 7 to build a good, solid foundation for your kids. I am a StartUp Mom… I still have 6 years to screw up or make things right. Hopefully fussy turns to FUZZY feelings of love, because at the end of the day — THAT’s what makes it worth all our while.  🙂